A guide to being single forever

Relationships? Ew, the worst. Having someone whom your trust completely, can go to for anything, and will think the world of you no matter what? No thank you, sir. I may as well date a dementor, what with how soul-sucking the convention of dating is. If you’ve seen the light and understand that pairing yourself up with someone who sees the best in you and wants the best for you is just a horrible, horrible idea, follow this simple guide and you will blissfully remain single for all eternity.

Recoil/keep to yourself/hermit

Logic: no one can fall in love with you if they never come in contact with you. Don’t go out. Stay in bed forever. Don’t casually text that cute guy/girl. Don’t go out on the town with your bffs. Don’t look at or speak to members of the sex you’re attracted to. And definitely don’t open yourself emotionally. Just lock yourself in your room, take Buzzfeed quizes with titles like “Only Take This Quiz If You’re Totally Single,” and cackle-laugh by yourself when your results try to tell you that a relationship is coming your way. HA, good luck getting past your impenetrable burrito of blankets.

Assume that the absolute worst is true

They aren’t texting you back right away? They probably hate you. They probably lied when they said they had a great time on your date the other night. Heck they’re probably married. Or an axe murderer. Definitely an axe murderer. You’d just be better off assuming that they want to kill you, not kiss you. Or else they wants nothing to do with you. Don’t let their kindness and flirtatious ways fool you. Don’t be drawn in by the compliments and sweet gestures they direct your way. They want to murder you so you better just turn off your phone. Paranoia is the spice of life. The single life.

Take zero risks

Don’t make eye contact with the cute boy/girl behind you in the line for Starbucks, because that could potentially lead to a conversation, and even, god forbid, a coffee date. And that good friend of yours, the really cute and sweet one whom you probably could date but aren’t dating because you’re worried it could ruin your friendship and make things weird? Just keep thinking like that, because it totally isn’t worth the risk if it means you’ll lose your single status, even though they are an amazing person who cares about you and could probably make you very happy. Friendz and ONLY friendz 4 lyfe.

Don’t love yourself

If you don’t think highly of yourself, you won’t think you deserve the best, so you’ll associate yourself with potential baes who won’t put you before anyone else and won’t give you the value that you deserve, and will therefor never turn into a meaningful, committed relationship. People may tell you that you are an amazing, compassionate, beautiful person, and even though they’re definitely right, keep your self-worth hidden in a box under your bed and you’ll never have to fear losing grip of your lonely lack of relationship status.

I hope that if you weren’t convinced of the joys of the single life before, you’re definitely convinced now. What could be more fun than being alone, never opening up to anyone, and not loving yourself? I would place most emphasis on my last point: if you don’t love you, then you aren’t allowing anyone else to love you. Keep up the good work!