I don’t know

I rather dislike not knowing things.

Wow, Marryl, what a general statement.

Honestly, I don’t like that feeling of not being certain, of constantly guessing, of just not knowing, you know? Feeling forever unsure, worrying about the truth, fabricating potential outcomes. It’s inevitable that I don’t know a lot of things, and sometimes that’s okay, or even good. I don’t know where I will be in five years. I don’t know what the world will look like when I’m 40. I don’t know what time dinner will be. And I’m okay with all of this (except for maybe the last one because I’m hungry).

But then there are the immediate or important things in your life where if it matters a lot to you but you feel like you don’t know what is happening or you’re unsure about something, it can be pretty scary. I know I’m being vague, but this post is mostly for me to get out the feels without opening a can of worms. Whenever I don’t know what’s going on or I don’t know what someone is thinking or I don’t know the truth about a situation, I fill those gaps with stories or explanations I create in my head. I play out scenarios in my mind to try and figure them out, which is a helpful strategy, but ultimately I usually end up concocting false realities that are incredibly counterproductive. Because sometimes I’m totally wrong.

But then again, sometimes I’m right. Sometimes I imagine the worst, realize I’m being silly, only to discover that the worst was true. Or sometimes it’s the opposite where I think positive thoughts but psych myself out so that I don’t actually realize the positivity in a situation. A lot of this is just because I think to much and have a wild imagination. But this imagination comes out of wild uncertainty.

I know that I will never know everything, but it would be nice to know things that immediately matter. I don’t know how to make this happen; maybe people need to be more honest with me, and maybe I need to be more honest with myself. Maybe I’m the one preventing myself from seeing reality by telling myself that it’s okay, I can’t know it all.

Like I said, I’m being very vague, so I guess I’m doing you all a disservice because you don’t know what I’m talking about. But maybe even if you don’t know the specifics, you do understand what I mean about the struggles not knowing?

Maybe?

I don’t know.

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