As my second year of university comes to a close, I feel both obligated an hesitant to write about all of the things in my life that are ending and beginning. I feel obligated because this is the midpoint of my university life, which is a big deal. I feel hesitant because it seems clichéd to write weeks of posts called “the end”, and I really don’t like to do what is expected of me.
“But Marryl, you called this post ‘the end’, ya big hypocrite.”
Well, yes. But this isn’t exactly a post about endings. It’s a post about how I feel about writing about endings. So it’s a meta post. Alternative title: the meta-end.
I’ve had one hell of a year. Perhaps the greatest reason why I do not want to write summaries of things that have happened to me this year is that this has not been the best year for me, and I am not sure how much of it I am willing to share. I am a big advocate for being very open with myself and others on this blog, but there are some topics that I am mildly fearful of being honest with myself over. So my solution for not writing fully truthful recounts of this past year is to not write about it at all.
Yeah, that’s not a very productive solution.
That last paragraph included a lot of beating around the bush. Okay, brief summary:
I started a job that changed my life in so many wonderful ways, and truly has made me a better person. I also faced a lot of mental stress brought on by numerous situations the job put me in that I was trained for but never fully expected. I struggled a lot with knowing whether or not I was doing the right thing all the time, while also trying to remind myself that life exists outside of the parameters set by this job. I floundered a bit.
I went through second year of my theatre program, a year in which you do a lot of stuff. I threw myself into the work I had to do for my acting classes, and the whole while I felt like I was really growing. I do still feel like I grew a lot in respect to acting, but I’m also terrified because I have such a long way to go. I recognize that I still have two years, but I can’t get behind or I’ll never catch up. I never actually considered dropping out of the program, but I had a number of conversations with myself about whether or not this is right for me, and if I wasn’t doing this what else could I possibly do? Which is terrifying. I also struggled with dealing with a lot of aspects of this program that I do not agree with but know I can’t do much about. This year I really realized that I love this program, but I also don’t.
I grew incredibly apathetic towards a lot of my academics, which I am disappointed in myself for.
I balanced school and work and extra stuff and life and for a while my life was a constant stream of going from one place to another without time to breathe. I loved it, because I love being busy, but I think it drained me more than I let myself believe.
I made a lot of new friends, but I also grew incredibly distanced from very close friends. When I get really stressed or overwhelmed I like to become a socially reclusive turtle who refuses to reach out to people, and I felt like that for a good chunk of this year. And this on top of everything else was extra tough.
I dealt with a number of family issues that I was not in the mental state to deal with and still am not. I also dealt with some personal issues, mainly trying to come to grips with how I feel about myself and how I subsequently treat myself. It has been a very self reflective year.
Okay. So I just listed a bunch of not so good things about my year which probably doesn’t look so good. They are all honest thoughts and feelings and I completely validate the relevance of all of these things. But it’s important, mostly for my sanity, to note the great things that have happened this year. I met some wonderful people and have made some great friends. I experienced a dream of a job, regardless of the stress, through which I met some amazing students who mean a lot to me. I grew closer with my parents. I grew as a person. I saw a Beyoncé concert. I cut my hair on a whim. I started this blog.
So it hasn’t been all bad. Actually it hasn’t even been bad. It’s just been a challenge. So I would maybe kind of sort of like to go into detail about some of these things to talk them through with myself, because in the whirlwind of this year I haven’t had much time to process. But I’m genuinely afraid of being open about some of these topics, a feeling that concerns me a little. What I’m trying to say is bare with me over the next few weeks as I sort my self out.
EXCEPT I PROMISE TO NEVER CUT IT THIS CLOSE WHEN POSTING ON A WEDNESDAY EVER AGAIN HOLY CRAP THIS HAS CAUSED TO MUCH ANXIETY I APOLOGIZE.