All by myselllllllf

Do you ever wonder if you’ll end up alone in life forever?

No, but actually.

With influence from TV and movies, a good chunk of youngish people imagine themselves finding a significant other in their mid to late twenties whom they can only assume they wish to spend their life with, dating this person for two to three years, getting engaged and subsequently married, then living out their lives together, going to neighbourhood parties together, spending holidays together, etcetera. In these scenarios, you see yourself as never being along ever again starting at age twenty-six.

But who says that will ever truly happen? Unfortunately, life doesn’t have a money-back guarantee on marriage. There is no certainty in meeting someone who you want to be with forever who also wants to be with you. You can imagine and dream all you’d like, but what if it doesn’t happen?

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get married, or even if I’ll ever want to be in a relationship long enough to justify getting married. Yeah, okay, I know, I’m not even twenty-one yet, what do I know. No, I don’t have a desire to get hitched any time soon. I don’t even want to date anyone any time soon. But these things cross my mind.

Cons of being alone forever: you don’t have one person who will always care when you want to share your life with them and won’t mind if you don’t shave your legs.

Pros of being alone forever: monogamy is terrifying. Being in a relationship with one and only one person for thirty, forty, fifty plus years? Can anyone tell me why I would want to do that? Wouldn’t it get boring? Wouldn’t your run out of things to talk about and do? Wouldn’t your marriage turn into a business partnership, which sounds miserable? Wouldn’t you be missing out on billions of other people you could potentially be with? Wouldn’t it be suffocating?

(You can clearly tell I’m a romantic.)

On the note of marriage, I reject a lot of elements of the traditional Western wedding in a very hippie-esque-Jessa-from-Girls fashion. I don’t want to wear a veil. What are veils even for? The internet says it’s a symbol of a brides virginity, but a) brides being virgins or else risking stoning isn’t really a thing anymore and b) focusing purely on the virtues of the bride and not the groom feels like a fairly sexist tradition that we should really move on from. I don’t particularly care for wearing white; my only reasoning would be because I’m as pale as a porcelain doll and therefor white looks great on me. But blue also looks great on me. My mother wore a structured navy and white polkadot cocktail dress for her wedding because she’s hip as heck and doesn’t give a shit about cultural norms. I don’t need a ceremony, nor do I care for walking down the aisle to meet my groom because I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be a mutual thing. All I really want to do is sign some papers at a courthouse and then throw a party with a serious lack of wedding traditions, and a cake you can actually eat. I just want to spend some time with anyone who says, “Hey, I think it’s cool that you two are enough in love to want to keep hanging out for a while.” And maybe get a little tipsy.

Why I am talking about marriage escapes me when I have little to no desire to even date anyone, or at least for the time being. I could claim my reasoning to be that I am a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man, but that isn’t entirely the case. I’m like a turtle. (Bare with me on this one). I’m like a turtle because the closer people get to me, the more I recoil into my shell. Yeah, I know, it’s kind of a cheesy metaphor, but it’s also very accurate. I don’t like to get close to people or let people get close to me because it’s safer and more well protected that way. I don’t like to open up to people very often for fear of being disliked for who I am as a person. I don’t trust people. I don’t trust people to not change their minds about me, so instead I run away so that they don’t get a chance to form an opinion at all. Because ultimately if a guy likes me, my first question is “why” and my concluding statement is “you’ll get over it, I guarantee.” And I also don’t trust intentions. It’s a cliché to say that “boys only want one thing.” Well, in a lot of cases they do only want one thing, and I could unfortunately offer a lot of proof to back that up.

I act indifferent when I’m feeling upset. I lie to myself when I’m hurt. I pretend I don’t care when I do. My solution to not letting myself be affected by how another person feels about me is to not feel anything for them. This is horribly toxic and has lead me to, in a way, not feel anything. I push guys away and can’t commit because I just don’t feel anything for them. I am so afraid of opening up and I’ve been huddled in my little turtle shell for so long that my limbs have fallen asleep and I don’t know if or when they will be able to come out of the shell.

That was a lot of ranting about my feelings. But hey, it’s my blog, I can do what I want. But like I said earlier, I’m not even twenty-one yet. In the grand scheme of things, I’m still a child. I don’t know what I want and I have so many things to figure out. If you’re at all worried about me, don’t be. I’m not. It would be ignorant of me to believe that my emotional state of being at age twenty is what it will be for the rest of my life. Oh god, can you imagine? That would be miserable. I will learn and I will grow and I will change my mind about things. Who knows, maybe in ten years I will want to wear a veil.

But probably not because they make no sense and cost more than my first semester text books.

EDIT: upon rereading some of what I wrote this past week, I’ve been doing some thinking and I want to mention something. I think a lot of the reason why I shy away from relationships and am not currently in one now is that I have incredibly high standards. I don’t mean I won’t settle for anything buy the Prince of Egypt or a Nobel Laureate. But I’m very particular with the qualities of a person and in what ways we are compatible. I don’t know why I’ve developed such standards and I don’t know if I’m really in a position to be allowed to be so demanding. And if you’re reading this and are secretly desperately in love with me, I’m not telling you to run for the hills because there’s no chance. I just wanted to make an amendment to clarify that my relationship status isn’t simply a pit of despair.

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