I don’t know how to have a blog

I really don’t.

I also think the word “blog” is kind of a gross word. And not just because to me it carries this off-putting picture of a guy in a J. Crew button up or cotton infinity scarf in the back corner of some independently owned café, occasionally breaking his perma-snearing gaze at a MacBook screen to sip a soy chai tea latté.

(Disclaimer: I own nothing from J. Crew, nor do I frequent independently owned cafés, so I don’t expect to ever become this image. Oh, and I’m also not a guy.)

I just think the word sounds gross. Seriously, try saying it out loud. Blog. Blaaaahhg. Buh-law-guh. See? Gross.

But I have one now so I guess I’m stuck with it.

“Okay, Marryl, then why do you even have a blog?”

How funny of you to ask!

I don’t know.

I really love English and literature and writing, but all of the things I’ve done lately that involve those three have been school related. Which kind of sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I love school, stay in school, eat your vegetables and whatever (no, parents, I’m not trying to corrupt your children with my satanist social media platform), but the work I do for school sometimes gets to be so much that I feel as if I HAVE to do it as opposed to WANT to do it. I WANT to write a blog. I’m not entirely sure why and hope to figure that out as I go along, but I want to.

Though I’m not sure I’d really call any of this “writing”. Yeah, okay, Merriam-Webster would probably say otherwise. But really, I’m not trying to inspire nations with my incredible aptitude for vocabulary and syntax. This is all just stuff that I’m thinking. (“Stuff”, yeah, great vocabulary skills there, Marryl.) And I think a whole lot, too much for my own good probably, just about stuff and things and life and the world and people and myself, and I often don’t understand any of it. I have a flair for overanalyzing and overthinking.

But how can I “over” think about something, really? What exactly is the threshold for thinking, and who came up with it? I think a lot about a lot of things. Not consciously; I don’t have regularly scheduled ponder sessions (but I’m totally calling them that now). And I don’t know what thoughts are going to end up on this blog, and I don’t expect to even know while I’m writing. This is kind of just a way for me to decode my mind and lay out all these supposedly “over thought” thoughts to figure out at what point the world thinks I should have stopped thinking . You know, I think that all the stuff you think after the point where everyone says, “stop thinking!” is where you find the best thoughts.

Okay, if that didn’t just confuse you as much as it confused me, maybe you should be writing this blog instead.

(Seriously, though, who invented that word? They could have benefited from some more over thinking. Just gross.)

Judging from this post, the rest of these Wednesday meetings we’ll be having will be directionless. But please don’t misconceive this as “writing”, because I don’t think it is and it would be weird if it was interpreted that way. These are just things that have gone through my mind that I wanted to write down. It’s me trying to make sense to me by trying to make sense to you.

That didn’t make much sense.

Personally I think I may be too sarcastic, too big of a fan of puns, or too much of a closet narcissist to own a thing that is basically my brain 2.0, but hey.

I’m also really bad at endings.

…yeah.

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